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On my inability to stop changing.

Around 10 years ago I had a job in marketing. They encouraged me to start a blog for them but the CEO directly told me "Make sure you start with at least 10 blog entries ready to go and keep consistent. I've heard from all around that no one will read it and a blog is a waste of time if its not consistent." I mean he wasn't wrong. Algorithms prioritize consistency and eyes on screen time. But you know what doesn't prioritize consistency? Life. Life is the opposite of consistent. Other than heartbeats and breaths pretty much every day is inconsistent with the last for me at least. You know how much has changed for me over the last 10ish years since that conversation with an old boss? For just me, one tiny little human? SO MUCH. My life is drastically different than it was back then. Not consistent at all but rather quite dynamic. Even in the mundane I struggle to find a real routine that sticks and is the same everyday. Life today revolves around my small children and my attempts at being a modern day pioneer/homesteader. Theres not even consistency in my bread making for goodness sakes. I used to carefully measure out every bit of flour and water ratios for my sourdough starter but now I just plop some flour in and mix in water till its approximately the right texture and then pop that fabric lid back on and move on to the next of my varied daily tasks. I've tried routines. They stick for about a week or two then someone gets sick or theres a break from work or school or the weekend looks different than I planned and like a balloon not held tight enough that routine quietly floats away leaving me grasping yet again to feel like I have control over something. Oh. Leave it to free writing to find the source. Control. Isn't that what we are all secretly searching for? I know I struggle with it. For a girl that grew up like I did... its tough to not have control. Fear slips in pretty dang fast if I feel like I can't easily rein things in and get them back in an order I understand and can easily move around. Moving on from that. That topic is still uncomfortable and I have other knots to untangle before I pull that one back out again. Rhythm. Rhythms seem to fit better. I have been able to settle myself and my family into a weekly rhythm. We have a flow to our weeks with certain shall I call them 'checkpoints'. A grocery trip. School. Swimming Lessons. Church. Everything else kinda has to fit around those unmovable weekly rhythms. That brings at least a semblance of order to a life with little ones. It used to just be me. Then it was just me and him. Then me and him and a dog and a cat. Now it's me and him and 3 dogs, I'm not even sure how many cats live around here, 2 horses plus a boarder, currently 14 soon to be like 40 chickens & turkeys and our children. Add to that we both have family that live in town, the little ones have a surprising amount going on for their ages, we've gotten quite involved with our church, he has running and gym friends to keep up with, I have horse friends and 'normal' friends, the garden needs tending, I've promised to help my son with a big project this spring... why did I just volunteer to help on a ministry committee at church?! I used to have a solid idea of why I wanted to own horses. I don't anymore other than I like them and I know theres a reason somewhere. I owned two rescue horses, neither of which were OK to ride so I had a valid excuse to kinda do the bare minimum with them. I don't anymore. Zeke has healed up beautifully. His back is straight and he really needs my help to build up muscle and finish his recovery under saddle. Roper is gorgeous and a total waste of fun just sitting there in the field staring at my house. But see list above on why I'm not out there with them as much as my 18 year old self thought I would be at this point in life. I had a beautiful affiliation with a legit school of equine assisted learning. I don't anymore because I dropped my certification at the end of 2022. All these classes I used to offer? I don't know if I want to do them anymore. I know it's time to move on. But move on to what? Rhythm. Routine. Consistency. These are not my strong points. But there is someone who beyond excels in that area. It's God. I can't even keep this blog visible and available to people who stumble upon this website because I am ashamed that I don't regularly update it. "For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed." Malachi 3:6 Sometimes I feel consumed. Consumed is the same as overwhelmed overstimulated and overfed right? heh... little knock at my diet there... But feelings are not always truth. And there is a truth I don't want to forget.

Psalm 106:25-27 records these lyrics: "Of old You laid the foundation of the earth, and the heavens are the world of your hands. They will perish, but you will remain; they will all wear out like a garment. You will change them like a robe, and they will pass away, but you are the same, and your years have no end."

And I have nothing profound to end this with. My youngest is going to cry for me again soon... I've already settled her once. Its past my bedtime anyway. Maybe I'll try out that 'wash your face before bed' routine (that I've failed at 600 times) again. ha. What I'll really do is go rest in that He doesn't change... even what I can't seem to stop.

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